


Running on Dry

by wishesgoverybad



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Gen, Hurt Dean Winchester, Recovering Alcoholic Dean Winchester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-08
Updated: 2018-03-08
Packaged: 2019-03-28 11:29:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13903086
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wishesgoverybad/pseuds/wishesgoverybad
Summary: What would it take for Dean to do a fun run?  Well, that question never gets answered, but maybe he gets a little closer to considering one.  Set in season 13 somewhere.





	Running on Dry

Dean knows he's a functional alcoholic.  He's known it for ages. But so was Dad and, hell, so was Bobby so Dean's never given it much thought.  Dad had rules about drinking and he sometimes followed them at least for a while. Dean sometimes follows them, too.  Well, he used to. 

 

Sam used to toss him a bitch face every time he pulled out his flask or flavored his coffee, and there was a time when he'd shout about drinking while working.  Actually Dean used to shout about that, too, but that was before Hell. And Purgatory. And watching Kevin die, and finding Charlie's body and getting Mom back and losing her. And losing Cas. Dean can't even remember all the ways he hurts hurt, he just knows he does. 

 

And Dean's pretty sure he's got his drinking under control, and he tells himself every time he breaks one of Dad's sometimes rules, like drinking on a hunt, no one's ever gotten hurt by his drinking. And if anyone did he is sure he could stop. 

 

But, it's not a hunt going sideways that gets him.  It's Sam. And the kid's trying to be nice, giving him a beer at breakfast.  And it's stupid because Dean's not even that bad off right now. He's not jumping at the slightest noise or having nightmares or having flashbacks and they have a place to live and food to eat and that's really a lot.  He's just sad. And tired. So tired. 

 

He knows he's been drinking more since Mom and Cas. But he's been here before, right? He'll pull himself out somehow.  Dean tries to be honest with Sam but he's having a hard time being honest with himself and when he tries to explain things… 

Well he tries to explain things and the next thing he knows Sam is bringing him beer for breakfast.  And Dean drinks it. Of course he drinks it. But it's the way Sam looks at him, how his eyes follow the beer as Dean drinks it, how he's all furrowed brows and sensitive eyes like this is the only thing Sam can think of that will make Dean feel better.  Dean drinks half of it and then looks at Sam's face and his brother is looking at him like he's too fragile even to yell at for drinking alone and then Dean takes another sip and the beer seems flat and warm and bitter. 

 

That night Dean writes down the rules.  The ones Dad always said he had: No drinking before noon, no drinking on the job. Whiskey is for wounds and a job well done. And suddenly Dean is down a hobby and he doesn't know what to do with himself. 

 

That's how Dean starts running.  If he isn't going to spend all his time drinking and brooding he needs something to fill the hours.  And one morning he's got that itch and his hands feel too empty without a glass to hold onto and Sam's out and Jack's locked down and Dean's going to explode if he sits in his head any longer.  He goes outside for some fresh air and he doesn't really even mean to start running.

 

Dean tried to go to AA meetings a few years ago, but he has a hard time getting over the “Higher Power” stuff.  Still, there was a guy at a meeting in Tennessee who said running was like a reverse hangover; first you feel like shit but then you feel pretty good. And Dean's been tortured in Hell so how bad can it be? 

 

It's pretty bad. 

 

Dean always thought he was in okay shape because of hunting.  And he is. But he also hasn't done any significant amount of running since Purgatory and it sucks.  It sucked then, too, Dean suddenly remembers, but then he remembers Mom’s face as she disappears into another dimension and he decides to run a little longer. He makes it about half a mile and then he has to walk back to the bunker and he's gasping for air and his side hurts and he's praying Sam isn't back from the library. He makes it and Jack sees him and opens his mouth to ask him something but Dean just walks on by and hits the showers. 

 

When he gets out, Sam is back and he brought beer.  It's only 11am but Dean takes one because he's pretty sure he earned it.

 

That’s the first run. The second run is better.  Dean can’t shut off his brain and he’s lying in the dark and finally he gets up and prowls around the bunker for 10 minutes thinking about whiskey and how Sam looks at him.  But then he remembers the rules, so laces up his boots and he goes outside. It’s hard to run in boots, but he paces himself better this time, stops to walk a few times until he starts thinking too much again.  His lungs still burn and his side feels like someone slipped a knife right into his diaphragm, but in a way that’s kind of nice, because at least he’s not thinking about Mom. He makes it a full mile, and when he comes back to the bunker everyone’s still asleep and Dean can sit down without jiggling his knees or counting the minutes until noon.

 

So Dean starts to run at night.  He isn't usually sleeping, or if he is he wakes up too early because he was dreaming about Cas’ hands or an argument they had, one that doesn’t matter at all now.  These aren't nightmares but Dean still wakes up with a start. He isn't panicking, isn't scared or pumped up on adrenaline, he just feels so empty he can't breathe. Sometimes Dean is already hungover, but sometimes he runs.  The road in front of the bunker is straight and flat and dark and goes on as far as he can see. It feels like he is running into the Void, and maybe he is, but the burn of his lungs drags him back to his body. It pulls him so strongly that he can't think of anything else but breathing and his eyes water with the effort and sometimes he finds himself yelling and he doesn't know when he started but it’s a primal and guttural yell and once it starts he can’t remember how to stop. He just does, eventually, when his legs are like jelly and sweat is in his hair and his eyes are watering from the effort or maybe something else. And then he comes back home and Sam's still asleep and Dean's wrung out and collapses until dawn. 

 

Dean can't really explain it, but he doesn't tell Sam what he's doing.  Sam has been dying to have Dean drink smoothies and go for runs for years, but Dean doesn't want to talk about it.  And he definitely doesn't want to Sam to know if he gives up and can't do it. So when Dean buys running shoes he does it with cash from a pool game Sam didn’t know he played.  He hides them in the same duffle bag where he kept Castiel’s trench coat all those years ago, and he covers them with back copies of Busty Asian Beauties and wonders why he’s ashamed.

 

Castiel comes back not long after that, and Dean can’t stop looking at him because he can’t believe he’s really back and of course they drink to celebrate but Dean only has beer.  Dean’s happier than he’s been in a long time. So happy, he can’t wind down and sleep, so he laces up and runs. It’s the first run Dean actually enjoys while he’s doing it and when he’s done he showers and goes to bed and he doesn’t need to dream about Cas anymore, so he wakes up feeling rested.

 

Things don’t really get better from there.  Jack disappears and Sam’s a mess and there’s another hole in the universe and then Cas goes walkabouts and Lucifer’s back, and Dean doesn’t even know where to start with any of it, so he just starts where he is.  More and more that means running, and he listens to his footfalls come one after another and he knows he is moving forward, even if he doesn't know where he's going. Dean decides to add another rule: no more than one beer before a run.  

 

Dean's up to 5 or 6 miles at a time when he gets tossed into a wall and busts his knee.  He can hardly walk on it, much less run. Cas is back by then, bearing bad news and a stomach wound, ad he’s not up to healing anyone so Dean keeps saying, I’m fine.  Really it’s okay. And he truly thinks he's doing ok until a few days go by and he suddenly has that itch again. He’s not in any shape to run or hunt, and Cas offers to heal it again, but the dude is also leaking Grace and blood all over the fucking place, so Dean says no and then rotates the Impala’s tires, changes her oil, spends too long listening to the engine and cleaning things that don't need to be clean.  That keeps him busy for two days and then he walks into the library and overhears Sam and Cas talking about the Michael from the other dimension, heads bent together over some obscure and probably useless text. 

“... When he arrives he may look for his true vessel,” Cas suggests. 

“You mean me,” Dean interrupts as he hobbles to the table.  He scrubs at his hands with a grease rag and eases himself into a chair.

Cas and Sam exchange an ill-concealed glance. 

Sam clears his throat, “Actually, we were thinking of Ben….”

“What do you mean…” Dean starts to ask, but he stops because Sam is looking at him like he's possibly the most gullible person on the planet.  Dean doesn’t say anything, he just pushes himself up slowly, and limps out of the room. Sam and Cas shout at him, but he puts out a hand and everyone knows enough to leave him the fuck alone and then he goes into his room and comes undone.  

 

He wakes up a few days later with his cheek pressed to the toilet seat and his vomit reeks like Dad's used to and Sam asks him if he’s ok and brings him Advil, but he also doesn't look surprised.  He looks resigned, like he was expecting this to happen. And Dean gets it, because this is how he usually handles really shitty news about people he loves. And he still hides his running shoes, and now his running shorts, so he doesn't really have a good reason to feel hurt that Sam hasn't noticed that this isn't normal anymore. But he does.  That alone is almost enough to send him on another bender, but as he's reaching for the bottle Jody calls, and she almost never calls, but the girls are driving her crazy and Dean sits and listens and thinks about how Jody watched her own boy die. Twice. And he knows she’d listen if she let him, but somehow just hearing her voice is enough. And eventually Dean offers advice about how to prepare wormwood for their spell and when Jody gets off the phone she’s laughing and Dean can't help but be glad he was sober for that. 

 

It takes almost 2 weeks before Dean feels like he can hunt again, but running long distances is a different story and he doesn’t want to talk to Cas about it because then he’d have to explain the running.  And he doesn’t know why he can’t just man up and tell him, but he can’t. He spends long hours looking online for ways to rehab knee and lying to Sam about what he's researching. Eventually, Dean buckles and finds a pay-per-month gym membership at a national chain called Tungsten Training. He can swipe his little plastic key card almost anywhere and use their bikes.  He tells Sam he's going out for some air and he knows Sam thinks he's drinking and he still can't figure out why he's lying and when he thinks about it his head hurts and he feels like he swallowed something without chewing first. 

 

It takes a month on the bike and using these crazy band things before Dean can run again.  The world is falling apart around him most days and when he decides to run again it feels so good to just focus on his lungs and the pounding of his feet instead of the shitshow that is his whole existence and Dean forgets to pace himself.  He runs too fast and throws up on the side of the road, but it doesn't smell like booze and his body hurts in all the right ways and after 5 minutes pacing back and forth he spits out the last of the taste in his mouth and jogs back home and it feels fucking fantastic. 

 

Dean needs to keep working on his knee so he doesn't reinjure it, at least that's what Runner's World suggests, so he starts cross training.  He's careful to rotate between a few gyms in the area because he wants to keep a low profile, but he also tends to go in the middle of the night so it doesn't take that long before people start recognizing him.  And eventually Dean realizes he has to come up with a cover story for why he always has black eyes, so he starts telling people he works in Emergency Response and then he ends up having more than one casual conversation about running shoes, and foam rollers, and then one day a guy comes in and sits on the bike next to him and Dean doesn't know how it happens because one second they're talking about rpms and the guy's recommending protein powder and the next he tells Dean about how his mom's in the hospital.  It feels like a punch in the gut but Dean can see the other guy feels worse, so he claps him on the back and digs in on the bike, and when he leaves the other guy gives him a nod Dean knows means thank you, and an open hand wave and suddenly Dean realizes he accidentally made a non-hunting friend. 

 

They’re hunting a suthu the first time Dean notices Sam looking at him differently.  The creature has an impressive crest, long legs, and can shoot venom out of holes on its nose.  They’re fast and elusive, and this one was chased out of a coal mine in West Virgina and starts targeting the miners one by one.  It doesn’t take long for it to catch their scent, and it bolts. Dean takes off after it, at a measured lope. He chases it for an hour, never really gaining on it before it starts to get tired  They’re running through woods and there are roots and divets, and it’s a lot like Purgatory except Dean’s not the one being chased. The suthu trips and Dean’s caught up before it can stand. He cuts off its head and starts a fire to burn the body and eventually Sam finds him in the trees and in the firelight he looks impressed, and maybe even a little proud.

“How'd you do that?” Sam asks while he tosses wood on the pyre. 

Dean shrugs as he digs a hole for the suthu’s head, “I just figured people used to chase animals to exhaustion, so I didn't need to be fast, just persistent.”

Sam opens his mouth and closes it again.  He does this a few times before he manages to speak. “How did you… Where did you… How come you know that?”

Dean shrugs again as he pours salt into the creature’s mouth. “I dunno… Saw it in a porno?”

Sam draws in his eyebrows like he’s about to figure something out and he might say something else but Dean looks away and then ribs, “You going to help me or just look at my ass all day?” and Sam's so affronted by the immaturity that Dean manages to wind him up in just a few minutes and by then Sam can't get a foothold. 

But later, they are walking back to the car and Sam says, “That's just like you. Persistent.”

Dean almost punches him just out of principle but he stops himself and says, “It's just like us.”

It's getting dark by then, but he thinks he sees Sam smile. 

 

It's not until they're driving home thay Sam brings it up. 

“When did you stop drinking?” He asks, like this is a casual conversation. 

Dean purses his lips and looks at him sideways, “I didn't.  I just started running.”

Sam scoffs and shakes his head, but he must realize it's true, because Dean does still drink.  He just doesn't treat it like a major past time anymore. 

“Why didn't you tell me?” Sam wonders softly and Dean shrugs again because there's something in his throat and he has been trying not to think about this and he doesn't want to say.  And he could probably get away with not saying anything but Sam's looking at him and his face is so open and betrayed and Dean almost can't help himself. 

“Because, man.  It would make it real.”

“What do you mean?” Sam's all earnest puppy dog eyes, like Dean is the most important thing in the universe. 

“It means I’d have to say I started running because I was drinking too much.”

Sam nods, “Yeah. Ok.”

And Sam’s not even looking at him anymore but Dean can see himself in the reflection of the windshield and he's still a little buzzed on adrenaline from his run earlier and he has come so far, so why not a little further? 

 

He turns to his brother. “I'm Dean and I'm an alcoholic.”


End file.
